Most children will go through a “scaries” phase at some point.
It is so important to listen to your child, validate the fears and let them know you understand (even when you don’t…often fears don’t make sense, but they are very real to your child!)
If your child is struggling with fears at bedtime, this is no time for cry-it-out.
When dealing with fears I like to recommend the three “R’s”: respond, reassure, and remind them of their safety. However, unless you actually want to co-sleep, this isn’t a time to cave and just let them sleep with you or fall asleep in their room either. By doing these things you send the message that they aren’t safe unless you are there. Instead, it’s important to try and help with the fear first.
Be aware of what your child is watching on TV shows and movies. Even many kid-friendly shows can have scary themes for a young child. And each child can be scared of something different. It is not always monsters and ghosts. I’ve heard of some pretty random fears that kids have when they are alone in the dark. So if your child is old enough, ask them what they think about in the dark and try to make sure they aren’t coming across that fear in any shows or books during the day.
It is important not to support your child’s fears. One example of this is the “monster spray” I often see people recommend. By doing something such as spraying repellent to keep away the monsters, I think it makes your child assume you believe the monsters are real too and that there is something to be afraid of. I don’t recommend this.
What to do for a child with fears:
- Nightlights
- Flashlights: Flashlights can really empower your child and help them feel like they have more control over this fear, which can help them become less fearful. Just let them know they can turn it on anytime they want to look around the room.
- Encourage an attachment to a lovey/security object: These can really help kids cope with separation from parents and nighttime fears. Kids really like when you tuck their lovey in and say goodnight to it too.
- Read books about nighttime fears: These can help your child see she isn’t alone and give some solutions for the fears. It’s best to find books as specific to your child’s fear as you can. Here are a few ideas: What Was I Scared Of by Dr. Seuss, Clark the Shark: Afraid of the Dark by Bruce Hale, A Bedtime Kiss for Chester Raccoon by Audrey Penn.
- Teach Guided Imagery: As your child lays in bed, have her try to use all of her senses to imagine a relaxing scene such as the beach or another place they really like.
- White Noise Machine: Can help block out any noises that your child finds to be scary.
Fear of the Dark
A general fear of the dark is a common fear I see with the kids I work with and it usually starts around the age of 3 years, give or take. At this age their imaginations get very active and they have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Another common fear I hear of from the young kids I work with are shadows in their rooms at night. It’s important to have your child show you where the shadows are and see if there is anything you can do to make them go away. Sometimes you have to move things out of the room. If there is a streetlight in front of the house, using blackout curtains can be helpful too.
The following are a list of games to help improve your child’s ability to tolerate darkness. Start with short periods of time and try to increase them.
Animal friends game: Have the child lie on their bed in as much darkness as you think they can handle and have them guess the animal who would make an animal sound that you make from another room (or out in the hall). Begin with easy sounds (no scary ones, of course). Gradually lengthen the waiting time between sounds and/or how dark the room is.
Blindfold game: The blindfolded child tries to find large pieces of furniture or an easily placed toy in his room. Parents should gradually make the toy harder to find and give lots of positive responses when the child finds it.
Find-the-noisy-box game: The game begins in a totally dark house. Your child lies in his or her bed, and you shake a cereal box from somewhere in the house. Your child has to go through the dark house, turning on lights to find you. You can gradually increase the difficulty of finding you or the time it takes between box shakes.
Flip-the-switch game: When a parent yells “Go!” from the other room, the child in the bedroom gets up from the floor, turns off the light, and goes to lie in bed before the parent arrives to turn the light back on. Gradually lengthen how long they can wait before the light is turned on.
Glow-in-the-dark dance party: Wear glow-in-the-dark jewelry and have a dance party in front of a mirror.
Shadow puppets: Make animal hand shadows in the child’s darkened bedroom.
Toy-in-the-room game: Get the child to go into a dark room to get a toy from a pre-determined place. Again, lots of positive feedback and praise.
*If your child suffers from severe nighttime fears, especially if you are noticing some anxiety during the day, please consult with her pediatrician or a licensed therapist who can recommend a program to help your child. If your child is older than six years, this is commonly something that needs to be addressed. This really needs to happen first before sleep will likely improve.
I hope that if you follow these suggestions consistently and patiently, your whole family will have peaceful nights!